Illustration by Luis G. Rendon/The Daily Beast

This year, like every year, I am grateful for celebrities. Not because they are intelligent, altruistic, or even interesting people—the vast majority of them are exceedingly dull. But when they make a mess, boy howdy is it a mess. And who among us doesn’t want to shove our whole face into that sometimes? I am Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda, and celebrity drama is my chocolate cake.

But some messes are decidedly less delicious. In compiling a list...

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